...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize