My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
my liver is dry heaving
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
