Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
