Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
