dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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