theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
