I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
