I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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