just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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