This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I have demons in me.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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