Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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