I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
