he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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