i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
