i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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