Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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