why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
