either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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