By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
