I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
