does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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