I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
