Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
