By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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