i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
