Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
