He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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