Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
