I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
