a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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