Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize