bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
