been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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