she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
