You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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