True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
