My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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