I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
