how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
