Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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