My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
