I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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