based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
