I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
