I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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