You really coming over, don't trick.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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