I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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