If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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