The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
