god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
this beer tastes like vomit already
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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