Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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