Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We left an ass print on the piano.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
