if i can run in heels then i can drive
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
