I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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