I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
