Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
