You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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