My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
