I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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